rocd.

i stopped taking my meds and i’m stressed over uni work.

reasons why my anxiety has popped back up?

the anxiety came back a bit today and it scared me.

so my boyfriend’s ex started giving me shit over twitter when i’ve never said anything to her or about her.

saying she’s prettier/thinner than me.
saying i’m apparently ‘jealous of her because i had him first’

the real reason i don’t like her?
she broke my boyfriends heart and treated him like shit.
i think that’s an acceptable reason to hate someone who’s hurt the guy you’re head over heels in love with.
that’s the reason why i don’t like his ex that i work with. i’m civil with her. but she’s also grassed me up for a lot of things in work so that’s an adding factor :P she was horrible to him as well. Or as he likes to say ‘a psycho.’

but, back to the twitter thing.
i didn’t retaliate. why?
because in my opinion, she’s the one that’s jealous. why would she slag me off on twitter if she wasn’t? she wants my boyfriend back. or for him to give her some attention. that or, she’s just jealous of our relationship. and the fact she probably has no one. and, i know that, i’m pretty in my own way. my boyfriend loves me for who i am and says i have the best smile he has ever seen. he makes me feel beautiful so i don’t care what she has to say :)

althoguh it did make me very anxious…the thoughts resurfaced but i managed to push them back down :)

I was getting there…ever so slowly…and then my therapist had to bring my anxiety back.

“it’s either you’re scared of him leaving or you just don’t want to be with him anymore”

and ever since then i’ve been in a constant ‘what if he’s right?’ and its breaking my heart. i had a dream last night that he left me and in my dream i was sobbing so much. begging him to take me back but he wouldn’t. my friend is going through a break up with her boyfriend at the moment and it feels like i’m getting more and more paranoid about my relationship. i wish this anxiety had never happened. it came out of no where, our relationship is perfect and i feel like this is pushing me away from him and i don’t want it to. i know that deep down i love him so much and if he ever left me i’d be so devastated. we still have a lot of time to spend together but i hate feeling like this.

can anyone relate?

i hate that…i don’t feel any excitement anymore.
no anger.
nothing…
emptiness…

so….

everything seems to upset me almost instantly.
this never used to happen.

something bad happens.
i cry.
i want to self harm.
then i just feel numb.

it is a horrible feeling.

sometimes…i wish everything was back to how they used to be

was having a good week until my boss but me on shit shifts at work. shifts i told him i couldn’t work because of how ill i am. then i started to feel negative about everything again.

i’m scared my boyfriends going to leave me for someone better.
i’m scared that if i leave work (because we both work in the same place) the likeliness of that happening is going to increase.
i want to leave work. i hate the place. i hate the management talking to people like crap. but i’ll miss my baby. it’s like if i leave there i’m leaving him. which i do not want.

i’m starting to feel negative again. like this is right. i know it’s not. i keep thinking to myself that if this had not of happened, i would not be thinking all of this. my boyfriend has never done anything to me to make me want to leave him. so why are all these thoughts telling me to? i feel like it’s making me fall out of love with him. just because it’s been here for this long. but i know that if he leaves, i’ll be more of a mess than i am now.